I often hear and read stories about the struggle of forgiving. Many, desperately want to let go of past so they can move on in life. They need to let go, because the shadows of the past keep them stuck and the immense emotions keep crushing the joy out of them. Most of all, they need to forgive to be able to heal and find peace within.
But for many, forgiving feels like a mission impossible. The reason might be one of these three common beliefs:
- Forgiving makes what happened ok
- You need an apology to forgive
- Forgiving = dropping all charges
Are any of these beliefs true for you? Might they be the reason, why it’s so hard to let go and move on?
Forgiving makes what happened ok
What most people get wrong about forgiveness, is the belief that it somehow makes the horrible thing that happened acceptable, or that it’s letting the person who hurt you off the hook. It’s not.
Forgiveness is about letting yourself move on and setting yourself free from the power that the event or person(s) holds over you. It will not make it disappear or acceptable, but it will help you anchor it as something that happened in the past.
The past events are often charged with strong emotions, which is why we may react in different situations irrationally or even drastic. Our brains are constantly scanning the environment and searching for clues. Clues that might remind our brains of the past event and trigger us to react a certain way. This often happens in a split second and is orchestrated by our subconscious, so we rarely have much control over it.
Since our actions are driven by our emotions, it’s crucial to let go of the anger, hate, vengeance and all the negative emotions you carry within. The emotions that cast the heavy, soul crushing shadow on your everyday life. And that’s exactly, what the act of forgiving does. It releases these emotions and gives you control over your life again.
“Forgiveness has been associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, and anger, contributing to overall mental well-being.” Toussaint, L., & Webb, J. R. (2005).
You need an apology to forgive
Another thing people often get wrong is, that you need the other person to apologize for their actions. I reality, you don’t need an apology, in fact you don’t even need the other person to know that you are forgiving them!
Apologies are for taking responsibility and acknowledging wrongdoings. These clear the consciousness of the person who hurt you and express the acknowledgement of your pain. Now, don’t get me wrong, apologies are huge step forward for the relationship, but it doesn’t mean that you automatically forgive the other person.
More importantly, an apology is not necessary for you to forgive. After all, we cannot control other people, we can only control our own actions. So instead of waiting for someone else to acknowledge their wrongdoings (which might never happen!), take control over your own emotional state and actions.
Here are two ways of forgiving people without them knowing:
Visualize:
Close your eyes and visualize the person that hurt you. Tell them how they hurt you (keep it short, no longer than 2 min!). Then try to step into their shoes. Remember; hurt people, hurt people. What could they have experienced that made them act this way? Next, forgive and release. See the person or event slowly fade away.
Write a letter:
Follow the same steps as above, but instead of visualizing the person, write them a letter. You don’t actually have to send it to them, you can just store it, toss it or burn it. Whatever feels right to you.
Tip: If you are not able to step into the other persons shoes, try to list positive things, that have happened after the event. This could be achievements, experiences or your own growth. The aim is to anchor the event in the past and highlight the positive things between then and the present moment.
Forgiving = dropping all charges
Last but not least, forgiving means dropping all charges. This is a big nope. If the other person has done something criminal or illegal, make sure to contact the responsible authorities for your own and the safety of others. Actions have consequences. Just because you have forgiven them, does not mean that they should not face these consequences.
Against common beliefs, the act of forgiving is less about the other people involved, but more about going within and doing the work internally. It is about finding inner peace, gaining control over your life and being free from the shadows of the past.
When you start forgiving, you will gain emotional balance, reduce stress and improve your overall well-being. Start forgiving small things, like some stranger cutting you in line, or your brother eating all of your candies. When you feel comfortable with these, move up to the bigger events in life. I promise you, you will feel the difference!
If you know someone, who needs to read this, please share! And let me know in the comments, what beliefs are holding you back?