I used to be the kind of person, that needed to do everything for everyone. And it had to be as perfect as possible, nothing less. I was consumed by working hard, studying and taking care of family and friends, making sure everyone around me was getting what they needed.
I became chronically stressed, sleep deprived and depressed. It was like I had turned into a zombie, being there but not really being there. Days went by, weeks went by, years went by. And one day I realized that I had forgotten who I was. A simple question “What do you enjoy doing?” became impossible to answer.
“Most of us never set a vision for our life. Most people make life up as they go along, with no sense of what their life’s about, no sense of personal meaning or their own identity.” -Vishen Lakhiani [The Extraordinary Mind]
This was me. Maybe this quote resonates on some level with you, too?
It might be a sense of emptiness, a feeling like you’re not really living, just existing. Or you might have a little voice in your head telling you, that there is more to life. It might be a feeling of frustration or even anger, because you could do and give so much more to the world. There is so much unused potential inside of you, waiting to be let loose. It’s almost as if you were chained to something that’s holding you prisoner.
If this sounds in any way familiar, you might need to do some soul searching and figure out what your values and vision are. Take some time to revaluate, what really matters to you and what you want to do with your life and declutter everything else. There are plenty of tools out there to help you do this and I’ll share my personal favorite in a minute.
Why do we need values and visions?
Well, having a clear vision for you life is like a compass that guides you out in the wide open sea. It’ll keep you on track, even if you decide to go explore some unchartered waters along the way. And if you get lost, just pull out the compass and start heading into the right direction again.
Our values are our map that keep us safe from hitting ground. They guide us, so we can steer clear from anything that might slow us down or even stop us from sailing smoothly into the sunset.
Same applies to life. A vision is something we can work towards to and our values keep us focused on the things that matter most. They act as our north star, and help us move forward when hitting a rough patch or facing difficult decisions.
With a clear vision and values you gain control over your life. Decision making becomes easier, you’ll focus on meaningful things and steer your life forward. This means, you get to choose what to spend your valuable time and energy on. You stop reacting to all the things that are thrown at your direction and only focus on things that steer your life into the right direction.
3 Questions to Ask Yourself
Earlier, I promised to share my favorite tool for discovering your vision, so here it comes: 3 Most Important Questions
To summarize, this is an exercise to gain clarity on what you want from your life. The idea is to take a piece of paper and divide it into three sections; Experiences, Growth & Contribution.
Next you’ll have 90 seconds per section to write down everything that comes to mind, with no filter! The limited time is to spark your creative mind and the aim is to not let your logical mind interfere with this exercise. Whatever comes to mind, write it down.
Imagine, you had unlimited resources. Money, time and anything else you need is all available to you with no cap. Now, get ready, set and answer the below questions:
- Experiences: What do you want to experience in life?
- Growth: How do you want to grow?
- Contribution: How do you want to contribute? How would you make your community or the world a better place?
Done? Great! Now, at this point the answers might seem unrelated and all over the place. Try to see, if you can connect some of the answers across the three categories. Or do you notice some common themes? It could be about the people around you, or intangible things like freedom, learning or spirituality.
These will give you and idea of what really matters [values] and what you want to do in life [vision]. Not everything needs to be connected or even make sense. This exercise will spark your mind to try to find ways to make whatever came up reality.
You see, our brains are wired to solve problems and to close loops, so when we present it with one, it will keep working on resolving it. When I did this exercise, I recognized as one of the themes health and wellbeing. I wanted to live a healthy and fulfilling life myself, but I also wanted to help others do the same.
At the time, I did not really know how the heck I was supposed to do this. So I started reading, researching and learning [Growth]. Next I started experimenting. I tried different systems and exercises, joined courses and made some small, yet in the long run meaningful changes in my life [Experiences]. And now, I am sharing what I have learned with you guys [Contribution]. Over time it all started to come together without me even noticing.
Connecting the Dots
Now, how does all this help declutter our lives? We still have our responsibilities and jobs to do. And resources might be tight.
Yes, that’s all true. And I am not going to encourage you to quit your job or make any other major or radical life changes, just because they are not aligning with your values or vision. What I am going to encourage you to do, is to find small but impactful ways to make your life better each day.
I am sure you have heard about the 1% rule. The idea is to improve by just 1% each day, which will cumulate over time exponentially to crate lasting and impactful change.
Let’s implement this in real life. Want to learn a new skill or language? Take 5–15 minutes each day and dedicate it to learning. Want to get in better shape? Do 10 Squats each morning. Want better relationships? Put your phone away and really listen to the people you have a conversation with. Ask questions and be curious about them. Want to reduce stress? Take 5 minutes to relax or meditate each evening before going to bed.
These are just some examples of the top of my mind. And as you can see, they all can be completed in less than 15 minutes each day, but over time the impact will cumulate. Now, take a look at your answers, find small steps you can take each day and start implementing them.
Learn To Say No
Taking small steps of improvement sound like another thing to add to the never ending to-do list. The whole point was to not having to do it all. And that’s where learning to say no comes in.
Let’s say that your friend calls asking you for a favor. Your week is already planned full and you’re exhausted from the long hours you have pulled at the office lately. What do you do?
The first thought might be to say yes, without hesitation. But what if, you took a moment to really evaluate your situation and the favor? Instead, tell your friend that you cannot decide immediately and you will get back with an answer later today.
Now, you have bought yourself some time to make a decision that supports your values and wellbeing. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Is this going to give me energy or deprive my energy?
- Is this going to create value for me?
- What am I saying no to, if I say yes to this?
If you feel positive about doing the favor for your friend after answering these questions, then go for it! But if you are hesitating or have any negative emotions about doing the favor, say no to it.
I know, easier said than done. It’s difficult to say no, especially if it is to people we care about or respect. But, as the saying goes, “you cannot pour from an empty cup”. Learning to say no, is one of the most valuable skills to learn, if you want to be in control of your life. And fair warning, doing this might piss off some people.
Taking the time to evaluate your options, based on your values and vision will help you navigate life and guide you into the right direction. Making decisions becomes so much easier and you will not be left feeling deprived or regretful for wasting your time on things that don’t really matter. Whenever you’re in doubt, check in with yourself to see what the next step or decision should be. One that supports you, not somebody else’s agenda.
After all, there’s only 24 hours a day, so you cannot do it all. And you definitely do not have to do it all! You get to choose, how you spent your time and energy. It is up to you, if you want to live a life with purpose or if you keep making up life as it comes along. Instead of trying to do it all, do what matters most to you.
Taking these steps has enabled me to declutter my life and focus on the things I value most. Instead of making up life, I now know where I am going and who I am. Chronic stress is a thing of the past and I am feeling better than in a long time. I am enjoying life and have found my lost curiosity of exploring the world again. So, how about it? Will you give it a shot?