Thrive Wave Coaching

Are you in control of your life or is life controlling you? Sometimes, we need to re-evaluate what to do and what not to do.

It’s 6.30 am on a Saturday morning. It’s dark outside and I’m surrounded by silence. Everyone is still sleeping, it’s kind of peaceful.

But is it too peaceful? — My thoughts start racing.

I have to do the laundry, unbox the rest of the stuff from the move, do the groceries, get a new vacuum cleaner… the list goes on and on. As my mind comes up with the never-ending to-do list for today, I feel my heart beating faster, my breath getting shallower and my muscles tensing.

Wait a minute, it’s 6.30 am on a Saturday morning! Right now, there’s not much I can do. If I start cleaning or unboxing, I’ll wake everyone up and all the stores are still closed. So, how about I don’t worry about all of this stuff before 8 am. Let me just take this moment, enjoy the silence, watch the sun rise and relax.

Do you ever get overwhelmed with the To-Do list that keeps piling up or have difficulties to calm your mind? I often do, and when I try to sit still for a moment I start to feel guilty for not doing anything. That’s why I like to experiment with different tools to calm my mind and I’ll share one with you here.

The To-Don’t List — Yes, You Read That Right

A while back I read an article on Good News Network about the To-Don’t list and figured I’d give it a shot. I have experimented with various tools and exercises to declutter my life and eliminate unnecessary tasks before, but I have never thought about writing a To-Don’t list.

I was intrigued, grabbed my note book and started listing my To-Don’ts. The list got quite long and I was surprised how well it worked. Here is what happened:

• I discovered new time & energy wasters to get rid of
• It felt SO GOOD 😄
• I gained clarity

The To-Don’t list is designed to find things to eliminate from your daily life. So, writing down the things not to do on a piece of paper (or on your device), is eye opening.

You discover new time and energy wasters, that don’t contribute to your well-being or life in any way. This insight, lets you eliminate or delegate them with ease and clears up your calendar in no time!

What really surprised me, was how good it felt to write these things down. It was as if I was giving myself permission to skip doing things that don’t add any value to my life (or just didn’t want to do).

I don’t know if it’s the inner critic or the pressure from the outside world, that made me feel obliged to do everything, but something was driving me to do these things anyway.

Writing them on the To-Don’t list felt freeing, silencing the negative voice in my head and cutting through one string at the time that was pulling me back.

I also gained clarity. Clarity on what I was spending my time and energy on. The interesting part was, that the DON’Ts I wrote down highlighted all the tasks, that were in conflict with my core values.

This realization, helped me evaluate if all these tasks were necessary. Or, could I manage these tasks in a better way? In a way, that would support my values and well-being.

Overall, I was amazed how effective the To-Don’t list was. I now have more time to focus on things that I care about, I feel more relaxed and less pressured about not doing everything.

Here are some items from my To-Don’ts:

• Don’t skip meals
• Don’t spend more than 30 min per day on social media
• Don’t work overtime unless absolutely necessary (97% of the time it’s not!)
• Don’t make any plans for after 6 o’clock
• Don’t have any business meetings outside of 9–15 o’clock
• Don’t overcommit to anything you don’t want to do
• Don’t be available to everyone 24/7 (phone, email)
• Don’t check the latest news all the time
• Don’t try to do everything on your own
• Don’t negotiate on sleep, exercise, healthy eating and rest
• Don’t do something just because everyone else is doing it
• Don’t compromise on your values
• Don’t sweat the small stuff
• Don’t follow all social norms or try to meet everyone’s expectations

If The Shoe Doesn’t Fit, Don’t Wear It!

Ok, so as you can see some of the DON’Ts I listed are quite concrete, but others are more general, such as the last one: ‘Don’t follow all social norms or try to meet everyone’s expectations’. This one is actually more of a rule for life.

When I was younger, I struggled a lot with fitting in and finding my place in this world. I tried to meet everyone’s expectations and fit into the social norms and cultural environment, but it always felt a bit off. Like I just didn’t fit in.

I remember asking my brother, how he was dealing with all of this and he told me: “Don’t care about what other people are saying. They don’t really know you or what your life is like. Only you know. Do what you want to do, not what someone else wants you to do.”

I didn’t understand it at the time, but as I grew older I learned the valuable lesson he was trying to teach me back then. I should not change myself to try fit into someone else’s picture, or seek someone else’s approval. I need to stay true to myself and walk my own path. After all, I am the one living my life not someone else.

So, I started taking this advice to heart. One thing I keep reminding myself of is, that even if the social norm is to do (or not to do) something, it does not mean that I have to follow it blindly. Instead, I can evaluate if this is something I want or not. [Same goes for all areas of life!]

For example, our family does not celebrate Christmas, even though we live in a country where it is one of the biggest holidays. For many Christmas carries a lot of emotional value, it’s about spending time with your family and loved ones, it’s about giving, happiness and respecting traditions. And I respect that.

But for us — we don’t really have this strong emotional connection or traditions that we would like to keep up. So, we don’t. Instead we celebrate holidays with more meaning to us.

Social and cultural norms are something that we grow up with and they mould us from a very young age. It’s beneficial for learning how to behave or act, what’s acceptable and what’s not. But the world is changing and our lives are different, so we don’t necessarily fit into the same mould.

So, How To Decide What Goes On the To Don’t-List?

You’ll probably be able to get quite some items on your list, simply by starting to jot down what comes to mind. But, I’ll share two questions you can use, if you really want to dig deep or get stuck.

Start by looking at your day, your tasks and responsibilities. Then go through them one by one. For each task, ask yourself:

What’s the absolute worst that would happen, if I don’t do this?

If the answer is nothing, or only something minor and meaningless, put it on the To Don’t-list. If, it has some consequences that you would want to avoid, ask the following question:

What’s the absolute worst that would happen, if I delegate this?

This approach helps to take off some of the heavy load from our shoulders, as we recognize, that we don’t have to do it all by our own. Sometimes, it’s better to delegate or ask for help. Or perhaps you can utilize technology, AI or gadgets to make your life easier.

Let’s take doing the dishes for example. The dishes won’t clean themselves, but it needs to be done. We could delegate this task to family members or we could hire a cleaner. If these are not available for you, you could also invest in a dish washer. Instead of doing all the dishes by hand, just fill up the machine and let it do it’s magic. Time and energy saved!

Applying these two questions, bring clarity into what really matters and what doesn’t. What tasks can be eliminated or delegated without a worry. Saving your time and energy to spend it on something more meaningful.

To Do, or Not To Do — That’s the Question

The To-Don’t list has definitely become one of my favorite tools to use when I need to free up some time in my schedule or feel overwhelmed. It’s effective in decluttering the never-ending To-Do list and reorganizing tasks. Furthermore, it decreases some of the pressure and stress of the busy lives we are all living.

It’s a way to give yourself permission to enjoy the peaceful morning hours, before rushing of to complete all the tasks of the day. It’s calming your racing thoughts and your inner critic. It is a permission slip to skip non-essential tasks and to focus on things that matter.

It also sheds light on your daily actions and habits. It allows you to discover, what might be conflicting with your core values and make adjustments that align with them better. Leading to a calmer and less troubled live.

Instead of feeling the constant anxiety and pressure to complete your To-Do list, maybe it’s time to write and focus on your To-Din’t list instead.

Would you give it a try? Or do you already have some experience with it? Share your story in the comments!

• Facebook
• LinkedIn
• Mail
• X
• Threads

---